Dark Corners

You and I, we both have the sunniest dispositions, don't we? We “vibe high,” as a friend of mine once put it.

Some might even call us cheesy.

I, for one, am ok with that.

But… I know that isn't the entire story, not for either one of us.

I guess this is on my mind because, last week, I let one of my own darker corners slip its leash…

Insecurity.

There is, and has been from even before the very start, a part of me that insists, absolutely insists, that there's not a chance in hell that you even like me, much less love me. It was there eight years ago, when this was just a bit of a crush, and I had to call you up and ask if you could help me pick a sick kid up from school.

I do this with everyone. I've been getting better about it. But I've been doing this with everyone for most of the last couple of decades. It's only slowly dawning on me that I might actually be likable…

I'm working on it. I'm working on allowing myself to believe that I'm being invited to things because people want me there, not because they're just being nice.

And I'm working on believing that you love me.

But, for now… that voice is always there. Always telling me I've been delusional… always telling me I'm reading signs that aren't there… that the things that make me think you love me are just normal parts of a totally platonic mixed-gender friendship, even though there's no other woman in the world who these things happen with…

So I'm working on it. That's one of my dark corners. Maybe one of the darkest, since so many of the others spawn from there. But I'm working on it.

And I'm certain you have your own dark corners. I don't know what they are yet, but I'm sure they must be there. I know enough to make some guesses, but not enough that I would put any weight on them. And you have shown me on more than enough occasions that there is a vast depth to you…

I know I'm still only seeing the top layers. I know there's still so much more to learn.

But I can't imagine there being anything in there that could possibly ever do anything except make me love you more. And my imagination is pretty damned good at trying to tear things down.

So yes… I love that sunny disposition of yours. It's an energy that resonates with my soul like nothing else.

But you don't have to hide behind it. You don't have to feel like you need to always be “on” around me. There is so much to you, and I love all of it, even though I know I'm still only scratching the surface.

You are amazing. One in 7.9 billion. I can't believe how lucky I am to have just met you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

And I can't wait to meet the rest of you. My arms are open wide.

Yours,
♒️